Marriage happens to be the dream of many singles. As a matter of fact, the society subtly makes it a parameter in judging your character and reliability as an adult.
Many do not have the opportunity to go ahead and get married as soon as they feel ready, this is because marriage is an institution that requires the agreement of two people. This agreement also is needed at a higher degree to make it work.
Amos 3:3 MSG "Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren't going to the same place?"
Since there is no place where spouses are arrayed for every one to make their choices, the process of getting a spouse becomes one that you hap on in your journey. Therefore, finding a spouse is not something you pause your life to do.
This is how it is: you are traveling on your path in life, you desire a companion in this journey, someone you will make all stops and turns with. Somewhere along the line you come across that one who you desire to journey with and also desires to journey with you and then you both become companions in your lives' journey. Because you don't know exactly who this companion will be, the bulk of your preparation is on you and you alone.
Imagine that a prepared man meets a prepared woman; what an awesome foundation they will have.
It is true that no one knows exactly the nature of their union until they get into it, but a healthy perspective will go a long way to make the marital journey pleasant.
This session is to help you gain the right perspective as you go through the process of transiting from unmarried to married.
Healthy people are in a better position to make healthy marriages. Your first assignment is to ensure that you have a stable directional disposition in life. So how do you achieve this?
By not allowing yourself to be driven by just your quest to marry, instead, you intentionally drive your process towards being married.
Changing status from single to married is a major transition that affects every aspect of your life. So it is imperative that you have an understanding of where you are in life and where you may be heading.
To start with, I will like you to consider the following questions:
What do you know about you?
If you don't know you, how can you judge rightly as to the kind of person you should marry? The more we seek to know God the more we discover ourselves.
The true knowledge of you can only be revealed by Him because He designed you and wired you in the way that suits His purpose for you.
Ephesians 2:10 AMP "For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]."
Ask the Lord to reveal you to you and be willing to accept and cherish yourself.
Do you love yourself?
Self love is self acceptance and this fuels improvement. Acceptance or commitment comes before demands for change.
Embrace your uniqueness and strive to be on a continuous journey of improvement. Don't be deceived, anyone who demands you change before commitment is a fraud.
As long as you feel inadequate, you may not be able to properly develop yourself. This is because your focus will mostly be on changing yourself to fit the perfect picture of another who you truly don't know.
Why do you need to get married?
I have heard common answers like:
Because I'm of age.
Because I want kids.
Because I need a man or woman to take care of me.
I don't know, I guess everyone needs to get married at some point in life.
Because God said we should marry. (where in the bible?)
All these are not God's stated purpose for marriage.
God emphasized companionship.
Genesis 2:18 AMP. Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.
‘Alone’ in this instance means to be by himself, solitary. By implication this means 2 are better than 1.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 AMP.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor;
10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!
11 Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone?
12 And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.
The essence of every action is in its purpose. If you cannot locate why you want to be married, how then can you know the right person to marry?
God's intention is for couples to share their lives, fulfilling purpose together, winning through life's challenges together, sharing the good times together.
Search your heart for the purpose you have set in your own heart unconsciously and realign your motive to suit God's purpose.
And what is God's purpose?
For you to find someone who you will serve Him with and enjoy life together.
Now, you have to discover how you have been called to serve God on earth which leads us to the next question.
Why are you here on earth?
What's your purpose?
Every one needs to attempt to answer this question before choosing a spouse.
Understand that marriage is not an end in itself, it's a means to an end. This means that there is purpose in marriage.
You may not have the entire blue print of your purpose yet because purpose evolves. But you should at least have an idea of the direction you should be heading.
This knowledge will help you to live a fulfilling life and choose right. This is why you don't stunt your progress because marriage is delayed.
Wherever you are, when your spouse joins up, you will continue together.
Think carefully on these things. Don't make assumptions. Write down your answers so you can run with them.
Having embarked on a successful journey for clarity what next?
You need to develop yourself for a successful marriage relationship. Success in any aspect of life should be intentional.
By intentional, I mean you need to deliberately put the right effort into whatever it is you are doing. If you desire to be happily married, you need to develop yourself in areas that matter.
I'm going to mention a number of them.
1. Learn to love.
Love is beyond feelings. Feelings may sustain you before marriage but after marriage you sustain feelings by treating love as a verb.
Love in marriage is a commitment and necessitates the right action. If love were a feeling, it won't be an instruction in the scripture.
Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church"
Titus 2:4 WEB "That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children."
God ordained marriage, so to make it work, we have to go by His definition of love.
2. Develop flexibility.
Don't be rigid, God's plan for us evolves so it accommodates every season of our lives.
Change is inevitable; be open to it. You will need to make some adjustment to accommodate your spouse and children. Settle with this because these changes are not predetermined but are necessary.
Make room for adjustments as you plan your life, this way you will not find yourself blaming your spouse for sacrifices you will need to make or struggle with the feeling of inadequacy.
3. Take the wheel from your feelings.
Deny your feelings the ability to determine your action. Get some knowledge on emotional intelligence.
Maturity has a lot to do with being able to do or say what is right despite your feelings. It takes two mature people to make a marriage work.
4. Have a vision for your life.
5. Get a better grasp of your values and convictions.
What are the guiding principles of your life, personal standards that determine your choices and actions?
What beliefs influence your life's choices?
6. Develop healthy communication skills.
This is something you cannot put aside if you want a happy marriage. How you say what you say counts in a marriage. This is a major marriage counselling course.
You are at an advantage growing in this knowledge and practicing even before you get married.
7. Set your priority right.
Know what matters and in what order, know what's subject to the other.
8. Live Life to The Fullest Whilst You Are Still Single
Please, don't put away what you can do while single for when you are married.
There are many more mountains ahead to be conquered.
As much as there are different aspects of our lives, true success lies in how well we are able to synchronize all aspects. Spiritual, purpose, physical health or status, Career, finances, mental, emotional, relationships which includes marriage.
All are important aspects of our lives that are completely interwoven or intertwined.
So this is your time to set the ball rolling. Work on yourself as though now is all the opportunity you have to do so.
1 Corinthians 7:32-33 MSG
32 I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master.
33 Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse.
9. Be willing to learn.
Willingness to learn is not in knowing but in letting yourself be influenced by relevant knowledge.
Every problem is half solved when you have the right knowledge. The other half is in doing what you know.
What I have done in this session is to give you a glimpse of what is required for your future when it comes to marriage, maximize it.
Get answers for every question, the answers will not only help you in marriage but also in other aspects of life.
Watch out for future sessions where will be discussing specific skills needed in preparing for marriage.
This is my prayer for you:
Ephesians 1:17-18 [For I always pray to] the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, that He may grant you a spirit of wisdom and revelation [of insight into mysteries and secrets] in the [deep and intimate] knowledge of Him, By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints (His set-apart ones).
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